Person of the Week on Master Giraffe

Gemma Arterton

Ok so MG has been a gone missing again over the past few days. But we’re going to make it up to by giving our first Person of the Week award (we think) to a FEMALE! That’s amazing. Is it true that females haven’t done much this year? Or are the team at Master Giraffe just a bunch of sexist nerds?

However I must point out that our newest MG member, Ren, who is yet to make her MG debut, may have been the one with the idea for this week’s winner - and yes she’s a female.

No, we’re not giving her the award because she’s pretty. She’s person of the week because she once had 2 extra fingers on each hand. That’s awesome. What’s even better is that she admitted it and has no shame at all about it.

After undergoing an operation to have them removed, she still has bumpy scars as remainders of her extra digits.

The extra fingers were ‘tied’, which causes them to fall off naturally.

She tells Esquire magazine: ‘It’s my little oddity that I’m really proud of. It makes me different.’

Earlier this year, she revealed she was also born with a crumpled ear, which was corrected through surgery.

She said: ‘I was born with lots of deformities.’

Man, she should have kept those fingers. They would have been useful for many daily activities such as using video console controllers, speed texting and winning ‘how many cheezels can I fit on my fingers’ competitions.

Quantum of Solace anyone?

Sam Kekovich

We all know Sam loves lamb, but that’s not how he got the award. Sam was invited to speak at ‘Centre Square’, which is a function held at Punt Road oval before the AFL grand final every year. If you would like to attend it sets you back a cheap $1500.

This could be a fake speech, made up by some tool on the internet (no, not us), however it’s great and until whoever made it owns up, we’re giving the biscuit to Sam.

Here’s how it all goes down ladies and gentleman:

Grand Final Day 2008

My fellow Australians,

I’ve been invited here to talk to Centre Square, in these big marquees on Punt Road Oval. And speaking of Punt Road Oval, let me tell you something for nothing - Jack Dyer would be spinning in his grave if he could see the place right now. Full of a bunch of Collins Street corporate criminals, Chapel Street designer cats and Toorak poodle rooters who have about as much interest in football as Paris Hilton has an interest in astrophysics.

Captain Blood didn’t break every bone in his body and commit multiple acts of on-field heroism and homicide so he could see his beloved home ground turned into an over-priced pre-match party for chardonnay-swilling spivs and their assorted hangers-on attending their one footy match of the year, whilst tens of thousands of hard-working honest battlers who love the game and love their team
are denied the chance to attend the greatest game in the world.

I’ve had a gutful. Whilst this bunch of Armani-wearing, Audi-driving, Prada-carrying try-hards monopolise priceless vantage points in the MCG, millions of genuine footy fans who have followed their team through thick and thin have to make do by watching the game at home or down at the local pub, whilst the Melbourne spivocracy get to sit on their fat posteriors in a marquee and wouldn’t even know the way to the MCG without a tour guide.

Since most of you haven’t attended a single match this year and know nothing about football, let me give you a few tips - Geelong wears blue, Hawthorn wears brown, and in case you were wondering, there’ll be no fashions on the field at half-time, and no, the Lexus Centre across the road is not a prestige car dealership.

Centre Square is not only unfair. Centre Square is not only inequitable. Centre Square is downright un-Australian! And so are all of you! In fact, I bet you’re all so un-Australian that you all hate the Anzacs, you booed Cathy Freeman, and you want to cull cute cuddly koalas because one of them once jumped out in front of your Range Rover on the way to Mount Hotham.

But it’s not just you who are at fault. I also blame the AFL – those out-of-touch, opera-loving elitists at AFL headquarters who are responsible for this unconscionable abomination need to take a good hard look in the mirror. That is if they can handle the sight of moral and spiritual bankruptcy staring back at them.

I also blame the government. Our new Prime Minister has clearly failed his first test of leadership if he thinks it’s acceptable to allow an event like this to go ahead without a pre-emptive strike by the SAS. The PM is doing nothing to ease the squeeze on working families on the bottom rung of the ladder of opportunity who just want to see their team in the Granny. But he’d better get his act together and do something about it, or millions of angry footy fans will do it for him.

Revolutions have been started and governments have been overthrown for lesser outrages than this. And people ask why we need capital punishment.

So cut off your silver tails, tear up your fur coats and get fair dinkum. Our great Australian game is the greatest game in the world - the game of the people. Not some once-a-year marquee piss-up for an overpaid, over-dressed pack of passionless corporate cretins who only turn up for the free chardonnay and then spend the actual game looking about as interested and excited as a line of Easter Island statues.

So don’t bother coming across to the MCG this afternoon, because you’re not welcome. The next train out of Melbourne leaves Richmond station in 10 minutes - so make sure you’re on it. Or, better still, under it.

So don’t be un-Australian - everyone here in Centre Square can get stuffed! You know it makes sense. I’m Sam Kekovich.

Yves Rossy

This Swiss crazy cat, known to the world as JET MAN, became the first person in the history of ever to fly over the English channel… with a jetpack. Person of the Week? Person of Forever more like it. This guy ranks right up there with The Rocketeer, Boba Fett, Samus Aran, Buzz Lightyear and every other jetpack-equipped superstar.

Also, his first name backwards is Sevy, which is nearly savvy. That’s just undeniably fantastic.

Richard Wright

Richard Wright was one of the founders of Pink Floyd, and sadly lost his battle with cancer and died this week, aged 65.

So what’s a better way to then to honor someone by giving him person of the week? Anyway Richard Wright did some pretty cool shit with Pink Floyd, including writing songs such as ‘Us and Them’ and ‘Great Gig in the Sky’ from the Dark Side of the Moon album.

DOWNLOAD: ZIP FILE | RAR FILE

It’s finally here, I remember telling Seph a month and a half ago “I’m going to make an album”, and now to suddenly have 12 songs in front of me is pretty damn cool.

So how much is it? Pfft who cares. I’ve put it up here available to download. Now here comes the part where I say… I couldn’t have done it without:

Damo from DX Interactive, that guy knows his shit and helped me with alot of stuff behind the scenes.

Korey Fernando, he has a great voice, get him to read you a bedtime story.

Ben Morling, he plays guitar like someone who has had lessons. Oh wait, he has had lessons.

Spencer Skey, he provided alot of inspiration for some songs on the album, he knows which ones.

Michael Stocks, well he taught me the violin, so I have to put him here otherwise he’ll have a cry.

Phillip, Sam and Mathew Rainbird, for having to put up with various phone calls, emails and continuous pushing for critique that was usually abuse because they would rather have been doing something else.

Luke Saxby, for sending me messages with lyrics from my songs. Yeah hardcore!

Chris Murphy, the dude lent me a bass.

and some things I could have done WITHOUT:

The guy who lives next door to my room. Dude, stop playing Eminem, snoop dogg or whatever it is.

My computer, enjoying crashing all the time. For example blowing up halfway through creating the album cover.

Having a chest infection and being forced in bed for about a week. Although it turned out ok as I had a totally different perspective on my songs.

Ok so that’s about it. I hope you enjoy listening to it. I really should get on with some university work now (and more Master Giraffe posts!). Although one of my projects does involve making a short film - and yes that will involve The Slinky Cat!

Ok so here is the final tracklisting:
1. This Is Bigger Than Carnavoce
2. My Pet Dog Eats Custard For Breakfast
3. The Romanian Train Robbery
4. There’s More To Life
5. Futuristic Pirate Robot
6. Pirate Robot Recharge
7. Round and Round
8. The Attack of the Goosen
9. Oh No He Didn’t (Oh Yes He Did!)
10. The Goochinator Spooky Cut (Ed Friedland)
11. The Fernando Torres Intermission Featuring Mr. Fernando
12. Sailing Into Venice With A Giraffe

Mitchell Goosen!

Let’s face it, everybody wants to be Mitchell Goosen, a surfer boy from California who moves to a town full of snow and becomes an outkast. But luckily he has his rollerblades and ends up getting himself out of all sorts of trouble.

The film we’re talking about is ‘Airborne’, released in 1993. It stars Shane McDermott as ‘Goosen’ with Seth Green and Jack Black also appearing in this terrible 90s skating film. Seth Green and Jack Black have gone onto make quite steady careers, whilst Shane McDermott’s acting career was ruined in this film as he became a surfer pin-up boy image and couldn’t hack the pressure. He now sells real estate. AWESOME!

Here is a small scene from the movie, a bit of a 90s Skating montage. We all love it.

GOOSEN!

Jude Law, Colin Farrell and Johnny Depp.

Sure, it’s called PERSON of the week, but I think special exception needs to be taken this week. The three actors who took over the late Heath Ledger’s role in Terry Gilliam’s The Imaginarium of Dr Parnassus have opted to donate all their earnings from the film to Ledger’s daughter Matilda.

“This doesn’t happen very often … where there’s a tragedy like this, and very famous, very successful actors suddenly say, ‘OK, we’ll do whatever it takes to help’,” says Terry Gilliam, of the decision which he describes as ‘heroic.’

Bob Dullam. Let’s face it. If you built a fully functional Tumbler style batmobile, you’d be person of the week too. But guess what? You didn’t. Unless Bob Dullam’s reading this, in which case, good for you, man. (Originally this was just a normal post, but Willbo and I agree that this is the sort of thing that just needs to be immortalised in our POTW hall of fame. Don’t you agree?)

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Shaun Micallef

Because who else? Go take some time for yourself and search ‘Shaun Micallef’ into Youtube.

Alan Partridge

Unfortunately for us Australians we haven’t got much to look forward to in terms of expert sports commentators. Let’s face it, they’re all full of themselves (with the exception of Dennis Commetti). Do I have to mention Robert Walls? I am so ashamed that he actually coached Carlton to a premiership. Oh my rant doesn’t include the two commentators during the Tour de France coverage either, I want those guys to read me a bedtime story.

Alan Partridge is a commentator for the people, a sports enthusiast who doesn’t beat around the bush. He tells us all we need to know.

Check out this video of Alan Partridge in 1994, it’s an absolute cracker!