Sport on Master Giraffe

Sam Kekovich

We all know Sam loves lamb, but that’s not how he got the award. Sam was invited to speak at ‘Centre Square’, which is a function held at Punt Road oval before the AFL grand final every year. If you would like to attend it sets you back a cheap $1500.

This could be a fake speech, made up by some tool on the internet (no, not us), however it’s great and until whoever made it owns up, we’re giving the biscuit to Sam.

Here’s how it all goes down ladies and gentleman:

Grand Final Day 2008

My fellow Australians,

I’ve been invited here to talk to Centre Square, in these big marquees on Punt Road Oval. And speaking of Punt Road Oval, let me tell you something for nothing - Jack Dyer would be spinning in his grave if he could see the place right now. Full of a bunch of Collins Street corporate criminals, Chapel Street designer cats and Toorak poodle rooters who have about as much interest in football as Paris Hilton has an interest in astrophysics.

Captain Blood didn’t break every bone in his body and commit multiple acts of on-field heroism and homicide so he could see his beloved home ground turned into an over-priced pre-match party for chardonnay-swilling spivs and their assorted hangers-on attending their one footy match of the year, whilst tens of thousands of hard-working honest battlers who love the game and love their team
are denied the chance to attend the greatest game in the world.

I’ve had a gutful. Whilst this bunch of Armani-wearing, Audi-driving, Prada-carrying try-hards monopolise priceless vantage points in the MCG, millions of genuine footy fans who have followed their team through thick and thin have to make do by watching the game at home or down at the local pub, whilst the Melbourne spivocracy get to sit on their fat posteriors in a marquee and wouldn’t even know the way to the MCG without a tour guide.

Since most of you haven’t attended a single match this year and know nothing about football, let me give you a few tips - Geelong wears blue, Hawthorn wears brown, and in case you were wondering, there’ll be no fashions on the field at half-time, and no, the Lexus Centre across the road is not a prestige car dealership.

Centre Square is not only unfair. Centre Square is not only inequitable. Centre Square is downright un-Australian! And so are all of you! In fact, I bet you’re all so un-Australian that you all hate the Anzacs, you booed Cathy Freeman, and you want to cull cute cuddly koalas because one of them once jumped out in front of your Range Rover on the way to Mount Hotham.

But it’s not just you who are at fault. I also blame the AFL – those out-of-touch, opera-loving elitists at AFL headquarters who are responsible for this unconscionable abomination need to take a good hard look in the mirror. That is if they can handle the sight of moral and spiritual bankruptcy staring back at them.

I also blame the government. Our new Prime Minister has clearly failed his first test of leadership if he thinks it’s acceptable to allow an event like this to go ahead without a pre-emptive strike by the SAS. The PM is doing nothing to ease the squeeze on working families on the bottom rung of the ladder of opportunity who just want to see their team in the Granny. But he’d better get his act together and do something about it, or millions of angry footy fans will do it for him.

Revolutions have been started and governments have been overthrown for lesser outrages than this. And people ask why we need capital punishment.

So cut off your silver tails, tear up your fur coats and get fair dinkum. Our great Australian game is the greatest game in the world - the game of the people. Not some once-a-year marquee piss-up for an overpaid, over-dressed pack of passionless corporate cretins who only turn up for the free chardonnay and then spend the actual game looking about as interested and excited as a line of Easter Island statues.

So don’t bother coming across to the MCG this afternoon, because you’re not welcome. The next train out of Melbourne leaves Richmond station in 10 minutes - so make sure you’re on it. Or, better still, under it.

So don’t be un-Australian - everyone here in Centre Square can get stuffed! You know it makes sense. I’m Sam Kekovich.

I needed a catchy title to get you hooked. Three uni students are traveling to EVERY (293) train station in Victoria this weekend for a project. Geeze, Youth Allowance really needs to be cut back. If you live in Victoria you should catch up with them and say hi. Keep in mind these crazy would-be Tin Tins are friends of mine…  The company I keep.

“Travellers on track for rail adventure”

Commuters who are sick of spending time on Victorian public transport will no doubt be puzzled by the actions of group of university students – as they set off on a marathon train ride to consecutively visit every serviced train station in Victoria.

Read the rest of this entry »

Because one day I will make her my bride…

Gino Corica

This one is for you Spence, this guy was so pumped that Geelong would win the grand final that he got ‘08′ tattooed to his arm. What a wanker! (If you didn’t know already Geelong LOST the AFL grand final).

Here is the story from the ‘Geelong Advertiser’:

NEWTOWN’S Gino Corica has so much faith in the Cats he tattooed his arm with Premiers 08 two weeks before the game is decided.

But this strong loyalty for his beloved Cats is nothing knew for the father-of-two.

Last year, the day before the grand final, he got his first ever tattoo the Geelong Football Club emblem with Premiers 07 inked on his forearm.

“I have been a fan for so many, many years, since the late ’60s, and last year it felt so right and I jumped the gun a little bit,” he said.

“This year the way they have played, no bloody way they will lose.”

But there is also an element of surprise with Mr Corica’s tattoos.

“When I got it last year no one knew,” he said.

“I had it all bandaged up and after the game, I pulled my sleeve up and took the bandage off.

“They thought it was (fake) and were asking when it would come off.”

And his family’s reaction was no different this year when they saw his new artwork.

“They thought I was an idiot,” he said.

Mr Corica, who is heading to the MCG for the clash, said the match would be close until half-time.

“It will be a hard slog for a bit and then they’ll just take off,” he said.

“They will keep the 1989 final in their minds to stir them on.”

After watching last year’s wild celebrations on Geelong’s city streets, Mr Corica said he wished he was in his 20s.

“If I was a bit younger and not 58 I would have gone out for three days,” he said.

And Mr Corica had a message for those superstitious people who might think he had set a bad omen for the blockbuster today.

“It worked last year, didn’t it?” he said.

Sorry, it should be WANKERS of the week ARE:

Mitchell Goosen!

Let’s face it, everybody wants to be Mitchell Goosen, a surfer boy from California who moves to a town full of snow and becomes an outkast. But luckily he has his rollerblades and ends up getting himself out of all sorts of trouble.

The film we’re talking about is ‘Airborne’, released in 1993. It stars Shane McDermott as ‘Goosen’ with Seth Green and Jack Black also appearing in this terrible 90s skating film. Seth Green and Jack Black have gone onto make quite steady careers, whilst Shane McDermott’s acting career was ruined in this film as he became a surfer pin-up boy image and couldn’t hack the pressure. He now sells real estate. AWESOME!

Here is a small scene from the movie, a bit of a 90s Skating montage. We all love it.

GOOSEN!

This one’s for you saxby:

Well the classic video clip of ‘pierce brosnan pointing on a horse because he uses hand cream’ still remains in the minds of the MG crew. So much in my mind that I mixed it into a song. Then I made it into a video clip.

Alan Partridge

Unfortunately for us Australians we haven’t got much to look forward to in terms of expert sports commentators. Let’s face it, they’re all full of themselves (with the exception of Dennis Commetti). Do I have to mention Robert Walls? I am so ashamed that he actually coached Carlton to a premiership. Oh my rant doesn’t include the two commentators during the Tour de France coverage either, I want those guys to read me a bedtime story.

Alan Partridge is a commentator for the people, a sports enthusiast who doesn’t beat around the bush. He tells us all we need to know.

Check out this video of Alan Partridge in 1994, it’s an absolute cracker!