New MG recruit Spence gives us his debut top ten: ‘The Top Ten Movies So Bad They’re Good’.
Click below to check out the list!

10. Batman and Robin

Ah… Clooney, the nipple suit, the gratuitous butt shots, the homosexual undertones, the Governator. With the popularity of The Dark Knight I thought what better way to kick of this list than re-visiting an old friend, Batclooney. At this risk of Seph and Willbo violently and repeatedly beating me over the head with my own keyboard I want to express my undying love for this, the festive Batman film.

I am astounded that this film isn’t gloriously celebrated the world over. Disagree? I present Exhibit A: Mr. Freeze uses his icy superpowers to turn the floor into an ice rink just as Batman and Robin are closing in. What to do? How about Batskates suckers! The resultant Batskates now allow Batclooney and his boy wonder man candy to ice hockey the crap outta the hockey stick-toting goons. This trick also works nicely later with Bat-surfboards and an extra large wave.

Need further convincing? How about the prowess of lead villain the Governator as Freeze with these fear inspiring lines… “Ice to see you”, “You’re not sending ME to the COOLER” and “Allow me to break the ice. My name is Freeze. Learn it well. For it’s the chilling sound of your doom!” HEATH WHO!?!

9. Boa vs. Python

You have no idea the difficulties involved in narrowing down the list of “versus” movies to just one. Alien vs. Predator, Komodo vs. Cobra, Billy the Kid vs. Dracula, Alien vs. Predator 2. But Boa vs. Python did as survivor and outwitted, outlasted and outplayed the lot. You question my choice? As you have probably guessed, unless you have the observational skills of a particularly stupid earthworm, the film is about a giant Boa Constrictor fighting a giant Python. If this sheer fact alone fails to impress you allow me to add that said snakes are specially bred-cybernetically enhanced genetically mutated snakes.

That’s not all. Both snakes, who have the uncanny ability to change size depending on the size of the space surrounding them, carry weapons – bioweapons div. classified – to be precise. And are you ready for this - the films tagline – “get ready for a battle of massive scales.” BAM! The barrage doesn’t stop there. The snakes are only the beginning; the teams sent in to hunt them are the deal sealer. With names like Tex and Broddick, these cigar smoking, whiskey drinking, machine gun shooting hunters are men the way God meant them to be.

Your ego is bruised from questioning my choice, isn’t it? And as if to rub salt in your now bleeding wounds, it also features possibly the only scene ever in which a gigantic snake gives oral pleasure to a normal size human female. DOUBLE BAM!

8. Leprechaun

I’m just going to come out and say it. Small people scare the shit out of me. I don’t even care how politically incorrect it is. I can’t explain why. They just do. Kids, babies, midgets, dwarves, the lot. It’s the same with Jennifer Aniston. She is just scary. So you can imagine my horror when I discovered Leprechaun. Not only is it a film about what is essentially an evil Irish midget, but also stars a pre-nose job Jennifer Aniston. I can tell you my shit was flipped. I’m talking tears.

When I finally mustered up the courage to crawl out of the fetal position, from under my security blanket and watch the film, I realized something. Leprechauns are terrible actors who jump about far too much. This only made me more terrified. The film itself raises many questions, like if the Leprechaun doesn’t want his treasure stolen why doesn’t he, you know, hide it, and how come all fat guys in movies are represented as cowards and inevitably have their innards eaten?

It is also a tribute to the mighty power of the four-leaf clover. They can destroy anything, and are particularly deadly to tiny, foul mouthed, teen butchering, alcoholic leprechauns that probably haven’t showered in one hundred years. Go figure.

7. Showgirls

When Elizabeth Berkley’s disturbing face fills the screen in the opening sequence of Showgirls, you are witnessing a piece of history. The close-up of this plain, smacked-mouth star with her industrial strength make-up and hooker’s outfit is so much more than the start of a gloriously bad movie. It is nothing less than the birth of shit itself.

Don’t be fooled by the name boys. Where actual showgirls are suppose to be seductive, sexy and enjoyable, the film versions are repulsive, hateful and about as enjoyable as shooting smack into your eyeballs. Meet Nomi Malone (Berkley) a girl from the wrong side of the tracks who dreams of making it to stripper stardom. Her life philosophies are ‘life sucks’ and ‘shit happens’. And it certainly does over 128 dumbfounded minutes.

When you think top level exotic dancing you probably think of something classy, like Dita Von Teese would do, instead Nomi ‘burns’ on stage looking like a deaf Amy Winehouse miming the works of Shakespeare. It also features the un-sexiest sex scene ever filmed, in which I would forgive you for thinking you were witnessing the opening scene from Jaws. Perhaps the scriptwriter says it best… “She’s no butterfly Tony, she’s all pelvic thrust. I mean she prowls. She’s got it!” Oh Dear.

6. Nudist Colony of the Dead

Being a media student allows me to be particularly pretentious and talk about snooty things like subtext. Nudist Colony of the Dead is all about subtext. While on the surface this film offers nothing new to the zombie genre other than the idea to have them eat people naked, the subtext involved is intriguing.

You see, this film is really about the ideological hegemony of the church and how it creates religious propaganda in order to brainwash young adolescents and outcast more liberal thinkers. Bet you didn’t get that from the title. It is George A. Romero like in its social commentary on the American way of life. It is part Citizen Kane part Night of the Living dead.

The film deals with the local church ostracizing the local nudists and having them killed for sins against decency, only to have the murdered rise from the dead to seek their revenge. It digs deep into the issue of religions abuse of power and its irresponsibility in executing that power. Also, its hella fucken balls to the wall awesome, hilarious and has insane amounts of boobies (albeit a little rotting).

5. Rocky IV

Seriously, as if this movie wasn’t going to make the list. I know some hardcore Rocky fans will be calling for my blood, but hey, they’re Rocky fans, those of them that can read are probably still at the top of this post, flicking through the dictionary trying to figure out exactly who or what a “Bat Man” is.

This film defines bad to the point that I spent considerable time debating whether it belongs on a list for just plain bad movies or this one. And then I remembered the montages. Now I am a fan of the montage, I think you either love them or hate them, and I love them. After the brilliant and tear inspiring slow-clap they are my favorite part of film. While traditionally only pivotal training moments are montaged, Rocky IV manages to montage everything, to the point where it is just a series of montages intertwined to create one long montage that happens to have a boxing match somewhere in it.

It also has one of those Oscar winning moments in it where Rocky looks in his rear-view mirror only to see his enemy Drago staring back at him, then disappear. It is easily the best “I’m looking into a reflective surface and mistakenly see my nemesis quickly flash before my eyes in said reflective surface then disappear” moments in film history. It really is eighties-tastic.

4. Troll 2

Should really be called Goblin 1, because it has next to nothing to do with Trolls or with the first film. My top four was always going to be hard to place because they all have so much to offer. Troll 2 only managed to place fourth despite having so much going for it. Firstly the plot is really solid. Magic vegetarian goblins hunt a family with a history of goblin troubles and turn them into vegetables so that they can eat them. It’s as if Hitchcock himself were still with us. Secondly, the special effects are fantastic, especially the make-up job done on the goblins.

Don’t pretend you’re not terrified. Check out those leathery claws of doom and phallic looking noses. His eyes convey so much. Finally, the events of the film occur in the town of Nilbog. NILBOG! Actually, come to think of it, that’s the only reason I placed it fourth on the list.

3. Undefeatable

This is more of a film that needs to be seen than explained. It stars kung fu maestro Cynthia Rothrock as a bad ass kung fu-ite out to avenge her sister’s death at the hands of a kung-fu rapist. KUNG FU. It also features just about the greatest cinematic mullet of all time. You have been warned. Now watch the attached link in all its glory and nothing else need be said.

2. The Evil Dead

Now for the serious stuff, The Evil Dead is that perfect balance of good and bad. In fact I recommend the whole series, Evil Dead 2 and Army of Darkness. This is the ultimate horror movie, so naturally stars Bruce Campbell who is renowned in Hollywood for his mighty impressive chin. Statues have been erected in its honor. He plays Ash, one of the kids who rents a cabin where some professor has been translating the Book of the Dead. When he and the others play the tape recording of his work it summons the evil spirits, who immediately begin causing trouble.

Now you may remember that we have covered inter-species love in Boa vs. Python, but Evil Dead has a scene that will trump even that. Prepare thyself. A girl is raped by a tree. A tree, taken over by a spirit, presumably an evil one. And it has sex with her.

Now that we have gotten that out of the way, we can all move on together and enjoy this rather fantastic film, because there really is more to this than tree-rape. For example, another girl is transformed into a laughing pastry. You see, evil spirits know how to liven up any party. And for the feminists out there, men are attacked as well, so you have something to laugh at too.

The true beauty of this film is without doubt Bruce Campbell, his acting is of the so over the top variety that you literally cannot help but laugh every time he opens his mouth. See it, you’ll never walk through a forest the same again.

1: Shark Attack 3: Megalodon

Believe the hype people, this is not only the greatest ever so bad its good movie, it is probably flat out the greatest movie ever, period! This is the film in which inspired this list. There are too many moments of sheer awesomeness to mention. But I will try. It is my cross to bear.

The films about a beach community who is suddenly plagued by shark attacks, only these aren’t regular attacks. After a bit of investigating, they realize that it is an extinct dinosaur shark called a megalodon that is doing the attacking. So our two heroes (one who looks suspiciously like a young, less crazy Tom Cruise) go on the hunt, only to find out that Megs isn’t alone, she has a mother, and she is pissed. This film hits you like a train, it is barrage after barrage of pure sex.

In some cases, very hilarious ones, actual sex. The use of stock documentary footage in replace of any legitimate funding only adds to the charm. It also features one of the most unexpectedly brilliant lines ever that would make your mother blush. Do not ask what, it will ruin the moment.

No words can describe the brilliance that is Shark Attack 3: Megalodon, except perhaps the closing words, “Megalo-who”. Go out and rent it immediately, it is worth failing Uni for. Without further ado, I give you my number one, Shark Attack 3: Megalodon.